Wednesday, January 7, 2009

friends. love. pain.

well it started in the summer of 07 after we all just got promoted to the ninth grade a.k.a. freshman year in high school. my friend hailey had a brithday party over the summer and thats the day i met the boy that was my first love, and i never even knew it then. the minute i saw him, i thought he was "hott" lol . i was determined to become friends with him. so i added him on myspace and i started talking to him. then freshman year came and we started hanging out and that made me like him even more. then he got back with one of his old girlfriends, who went to a diferrent school. i knew who she was concidering she we all went to middle school together. she was a miget chink that no one liked at school. they were always on and off but that didnt matter to me i liked him and that was all that mattered. everyone at school new we were close and "best friends" is what we were. we would hang out everyday because he lived around the corner. and he had a little sister, miah. she was 3. And it just so happpened that my mother owned a daycare and then the next thing you know, she is coming to my house everyday. Eric was always the one to pick her up too. ;] we got real close that myne and his parents trusted us to come to each others houses. I will always remember the one day that i went to his house and he was still with his gf and again i didnt care, and we were watching this scary movie in his room called level 4 and we were laying on his bed. He made the first move and held my hand. then we started touching more and then making out...........then feeling...........then and thats who i lost it too. after that i was in love with him. after that we only got closer and closer. but never in school. it was like a friends with benifits kinda thing but at the time i didnt care cause i was in love with him. But every one knew there was something going on between me and him, he knew that too. then in march of 08 the sadies dance was coming up. thats when one day me and him were walking home together and we were messing around. then i asked to sadies..............................he said yes ;]...........and i was happy that whole school year. we had to go as an occupation. so we went as army troops ;] and we held hands in front of everone during that time and he didnt care. i loved that night. then summer came and we still kept doing the usual. hanging out and stuff. i had alot of experiences with him. he was my first, he was the first one i drank with and the first to sneek out with and i know that seems really bad to do but i was having fun lol and i was in love. then school cam again and things were going good the first two months. and i had a bf ;] i had my sano but i never loved him like i did eric but i still loved him and eric under stoood that. then it ended between me and sano and me and eric were close as usual but i was so hurt by sano. and then when i thought things couldnt get worse eric gave me news that made me seriously want to kill myself..........he told me he was moving to L.A. and that might not seem like much to whoever is reading this but to hear those words were pain shooting me in the head probably would of hurt less. i had little time with him i spent as much time as i COULD with him. but it wasnt much to me. then one night he came over............basically to say goodbye.......which i didnt want to but HAD to ........and we had fun that night but it got dark and he had to go home. so i walked him down the street and i had to say goodbye but instead tears of pain came out and i couldnt help it.........he tried to calm me down saying stuff like "its gonna be ok", "im comming back", "i will visit", "i will move back breezy". but i never believed it. and then he tried to joke with me saying "im gonna come back and i will steel your street sign and then you can say that damn wet back stole my sign." but it didnt really help the situation. he kept whipping my tears with his hand and hugging me to calm me down to walk home and not have to deal with my parents but it still didnt help. but i walked home still and when i walked in the door my dad noticed right aways that it hurt me that he was going away. my parents thought we were JUST best friends. so they thought i was just losing a best friend, when really i was losing my love.............................for the next few weeks i couldnt help but cry in front of my best friends and cry in front of my mom but she never FULLY got the situation. then after he moved my grades dropped but noone knew that. and i cryed my self to sleep. But then some one noticed my ruotines. sarah. my best friend. she had me tell her the story and i cry everytime i hear his name. but it helped talking to her. i love her like a sister. i started calming down after a couple of months after he moved but constintly thought about him. and his cell was shut off. so i stopped trying. then i started making two new friends who really got my mind off things. there names are briana rosiles and keanu huerta. and we all got close. brii makes me laugh non stop and keanu i have this emotional connection with, a connection that i can tell him anything. i was having a fun time until my mom kept bringing up eric noticing i was happier and she knew i was depressed for a while because of eric and she waned to talk about it when i was hapier but when i did tell her we were more then FRIENDS i balled. i didnt tell her about our sex relationship but about the relationship. ever since then everytime i hear his name i cry. he has really impacted my life. and then my mom decided we should go on vacation. about 2 weeks ago we left for virginia to visit my sister. then right after that i got a random was him.... had been so long that i didnt recognize his voice.............................................and he called to tell me he was in fresno and heading toward my house............................i was depressed again...............i started crying and my mom knew exactly who it was.................................i was mad, sad, and depressed that i was way on the east coast while he was in fresno...................but then i never herd from him again......................and now im still in virginia thinkning about him even though i am back with my bf trying to move on but yet i cant. but this time when i herd is voice i tried not to cry or tell anyone because i knew it would ruin the trip. so i covered it the best i could. but now i want to go home and see my friends and forget he called. even though i know im not strong enough too. hopefully i can though. that is the story for now. of course no-one will know the details but here is a glimpse...............................................................-sincerley Breonna Lujan.-

travel plans

on sat i will be returning to fresno to all my friends, my close sister michelle, and my bf who i am currently not sure if he is really sincere. you see we dated for a month or so during this summer of 08 ad we got real CLOSE. he got to know my family from day one and they seemed to approve of us. and then he hurt me out of no where. he was so close with my family. they all thought he was kind, smart, and trustworthy. JUST as i did. but then when school started again for us i was finally a sophmore and he was starting his junior year, he did the one thing i did not expect, he ignored me. He had turned into this guy i didnt know one i didnt want to be around, but i always gave the effort to hang out and get to know his friends. me and his friends had met before but not really comfortable friends yet. whenever i was with him around his friends he would ignore me like i wasnt even there, and i felt he should at least of told me that he wanted to be alone with his friends. sano is a very poetic guy. he can lift you off your feet with just on word. i fell for him so hard in such a short time. the worst part is, is that i was the one who had to end it. i tell my mother everything about my relationships. i told her how he was always ignoring me and would diss me in front of his friends. she was the one who advized me to end it for my own good. And i did. I have to say, that being single during this time had been so fun and stress free but i kinda had my eye on a couple guys. I put my self out there not wanting anything serious. but i ended up giving my self this bad image. so i stopped. the main reason i stopped is because well i was getting over sano. so i started hanging ou with old friends and i stopped the drinking and ever other thing that i thought that might ruin my high school life. btw he his name is sano garcia.... and i am inevitably in love with him, but i am so scared, and insecure about him hurting me again. i had to convince my mom that he meant well and that she should give me and him a chance again. but she doesnt want for me to get hurt again like i did with Eric. well lets just say he is a total different story. but on new years day me and him got back together after talking through all of our issues and about him hurting me and my insecurities. so i decided that i would not fall so deep so fast and that i would let it pace itself , not letting me get hurt so much if something were to happen. a new year means a new start of something new. And we will see where it goes from here.